Memoirs of a Soon-to-Be Former Fat Guy

For those of you who are new to the blog, I thought I would compile a dossier of recurring characters so you don’t have to go back for several years of posts to find them.

Gratuitously Naked Guy (GNG) – Gratuitously Naked Guy is an older gentleman who goes to my gym. As his name implies, he believes in the concept of “less is more”, at least when it comes to apparel. He likes to haunt the locker room at my gym, holding conversations (mostly one-sided) with a foot up on the bench, no towel within shouting distance and his wrinkly junk just waving in the breeze. The odd part is that I’ve never actually seen him work out.

The Joker – The Joker was an individual we met on a cruise in 2010. No idea what his name is, only that he told bad jokes and fancied himself to be a real ladies man. Often appeared nattily attired in swimsuit, open shirt and unbuckled sandals. Did I mention the jokes were unfunny messes?

The Management – see Supportive Partner Woman

Miguel the Amazing Tour Guide – Tour guide in Cozumel. Looks a lot like Daniel Ortega.

Mom (RIP) – Kind of self explanatory. Sadly, she passed on July 8.

Rachel – The greatest primary care provider in Lancaster, PA. She’s encouraging, but not afraid to kick my ass if I’m not behaving, medically speaking. I’ve seen a lot of doctors with lots of fancy initials after their names, but this is the only provider I’ve found who takes the time to listen to me and really cares whether I succeed or not.

Ryan & Cory – The exercise physiologists at Lancaster General. These guys are awesome and keep my butt motivated. They couldn’t be any more encouraging.

Stubby the Wonder Toe – (aka The Toe of Wonders, The Amazing Technicolor Toe) – Stubby is my right big toe, forever disfigured due to a bone infection complicated with diabetic neuropathy. He has adopted a bit of a gangsta persona and thinks he’s the phalangeal equivalent of Flavor Flav. He wants to have a miniature clock tattooed on him, or at the very least, wear a Viking helmet and date Brigitte Nielsen. Lately he’s been talking about going out on tour with Chuck D and Professor Griff. He also says it’s not the same without Terminator X filling the DJ role.

Supportive Partner Woman (SPW) – Supportive Partner Woman would be my wife of eight years. She’s usually the one encouraging me to get healthy and will provide a touch of comic relief. Her day (night) job is as the sports editor for a medium-sized newspaper in Pennsylvania; as such she will often critique my grammar. You will often find some superlative descriptions behind her name… they are all true. She’s also the best thing that ever happened to me.

Wayne – Stubby the Wonder Toe’s non-mutilated evil twin brother.

Wegman’s – The greatest grocery store… ON THE PLANET!