Well, I finally did it

Posted: November 21, 2012 in Bariatric surgery, Bullying, Futility, regrets, Stress, Weight loss
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Warning: This isn’t exactly an upbeat piece. There’s some profanity. If it bothers you, my apologies.

I sat in the Nerd Lair Monday night, opened the bottle of John Jameson and had a drink. This is not something I do often anymore. See, alcohol and insulin aren’t always the best of bedfellows.

It’s not that I’m a teetotaler. I have my share of nights I don’t remember. Granted, that was mostly back in college. Suffice it to say, I had a day Monday that was simply booze-worthy.

Not sure why it was so bad… just one of those days I felt like King Midas in reverse. Everything I touched turned to shit. So, I sat in the half-light, nursing a whiskey on the rocks and feeling sorry for myself. That’s the one thing I was excelling at yesterday. That and generally being very down.

Now, Supportive Partner Woman (Very supportive!) has been good at attending to my moodiness. She always asks what she can do to make me happy (or at least happier), but I never really seem to know what will boost my mood for the long-term. That’s pretty sad, when you stop and think about it.

I don’t really know what makes me happy anymore.

That’s not an indictment of SPW (Best friend I’ve ever had!)… not by any stretch. If there’s a better match for me out there, well, I’d need to see some serious proof before I was convinced. Maybe the issue is that I don’t seem to have any dreams any more. I just can’t conjure up enthusiasm for much of anything. What I do find myself enjoying winds up being a quick fix and it’s all too soon back to cold reality.

Maybe I just stopped trying to have fun because I figured I’d screw it up anyway. The awkward part of myself is like a bull in a china shop and the uptight side of myself tells the other side, “See? This is why we can’t have nice things!” It’s like I just broke the collectible Elvis plates that mama had stashed around the double wide.

The only thing I feel I’ve ever been marginally successful at is being fat. And yet I still manage to mess that up by not being jolly. Pretty sad when you can’t even be a proper fat guy.

I can’t help thinking that maybe what I need is some success. Something to just go right. A break. Maybe a day when my commute to work is not filled with red lights, tractor trailers, cement mixers, Amish buggies and the armada of complete dickholes who think that them getting to a stoplight 2 seconds before I do is important.  Maybe a day when my hips and ankles don’t hurt. Maybe a period of time when I can stop being so judgmental of everyone and everything. Maybe a day when I’m not angry and bitter about one thing or another.

I certainly wasn’t raised to be this way, but it’s been this way for a long time.

I’m not kidding about the long time part, either. The last time I can truly remember being generally happy would be third grade. See, when I went to the fourth grade, I changed schools. I was the new kid, I wasn’t popular. I was bigger than most of the other kids and I was bullied. Bullied for being new, for being awkward, because my family wasn’t in the right tax bracket.

Bullied for being different.

I wasn’t physically bullied very much… I was bigger (taller, too) than most of the other kids and I could hold my own. It was mostly mental… the taunting, the insults. The worst bullying really came from my sixth grade social studies/reading/spelling teacher. That was pretty much just a mind-fuck (excuse the language) by a vindictive bitch of a teacher who had about as much right to teach kids as a pedophile does to be a camp counselor. My crime? I made the mistake of arguing over the spelling of a word that was mistyped on the vocabulary sheet. According to the sheet, “Research” was spelled “Reasearch”. I pointed it out and for that I was branded as disruptive, my desk was moved to the corner and I spent most of the year being basically ostracized. Bad enough it happened with that particular teacher, but she passed the word to the other teachers that I was trouble and it took an awful lot to work out from under that shadow. I don’t know that I ever fully emerged. The really good news is that it’s my understanding that she went on to be a guidance counselor. How’s that for a kick in the teeth?

Where were my parents during all this? Well, they were old school. They believed that the teacher was always right. Apparently I was neither the first nor the last target for this particular teacher and once the parental units found out about that, they apologized for not listening to me.

I think I started dying a little on the inside at that point. I know I stopped trying in school, figuring if I didn’t always get great grades, maybe other kids would like me. That didn’t work too well… they just made fun of me for getting lower grades. I put on a big show of  “I don’t care”, but the truth is I did care, and it hurt. It hurt a lot. I tried that whole “sticks and stones” thing… yeah. That didn’t work so well. Because even a small trickle of water will eventually cut through a rock.

It came down to me trusting no one… not even myself. I never went to anyone about this. I just became adept at bullshit. Call it my coping mechanism. Well, fast forward 30+ years and my gift of bullshit is deserting me. Maybe it’s not deserting me, maybe I just realize I’m getting older and other than SPW and a few close friends, I don’t have anyone. I have plenty of acquaintances, but few friends.

I’ve been on the fence about the surgery for several months. I guess a large part of me was scared that even if I do get down to a normal weight, I’ll still hear the comments, the snide remarks about the rhino in the room. You know what? I’ve spent my whole life worrying about what other people might think. The people who don’t matter.

You know what I say?

Screw ’em. Screw ’em all.

I’m doing it because it offers the best chance for me to improve my physical health and my mental health. I’ve been cowed for 30+ years and I’m not going to put up with it anymore. Gotta move on.

All that being said, I made a lot of mistakes in my life. I don’t deny that. I caused hurt to people and I regret that most deeply. If I ever hurt you and didn’t apologize, well, I’m truly sorry. On the other hand, if you were an asshole to me and it never bothered you, I’m sorry for you. But if figuratively kicking someone who’s down made you feel that much better about yourself, well, I’m so glad I could help.

So, there you have it. I’m getting the operation. And it’s going to be a success.

God knows I need one.

I also want to point out that I have a lot to be thankful for and it’s not all gloom and doom. I have a good family, I’m not living on the streets and I have the best wife I could ever want. She’s my rock.

Start the revolution

Posted: November 20, 2012 in Circuit of the Americas, Formula 1, Racing
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I’m a recent convert to what I now consider to be the finest automobile racing on the planet.

No, not NA$CAR. I used to be a NA$CAR fan, back in the old days. Before the Car of Tomorrow, The Chase and all the other stuff kind of ruined things. I know, the NASCAR “brain” trust tells us that the Chase builds excitement… that it’s a playoff system for racing. My reply is to ask in just how many other sports are the teams that didn’t make the playoffs allowed to keep playing?

Aerial view of Circuit of the Americas

Anyway, I’ve recently become a convert to Formula One racing, and if you ever need a reason to consider joining the fan ranks of F1, look no further than Sunday’s United States Grand Prix. Held at the brand new Circuit of the Americas track outside of Austin, Texas, the race was a showcase of driving skill and racing technology, all taking place on what should prove to become an iconic track going forward. Coupling with it a chance to clinch a world driving championship, there was a lot on the line as the series arrived at the brand new, $400 million complex.

Formula One and the United States have a checkered history. For twenty years, F1’s U.S. home was the beautiful Watkins Glen track in New York’s Finger Lakes region. Over the years, financial difficulties and a decaying track forced the series to move from Watkins Glen. It bounced around for a while, making street circuit stops in Long Beach, Las Vegas, Detroit, Dallas and Phoenix. There wasn’t a permanent home until Indianapolis Motor Speedway hosted the race starting in 2000. It remained moderately successful until the tire issues of 2005 when the cars with Michelin rubber pulled out of the race, leaving the six cars with Bridgestone rubber to compete.

As such, there was a huge amount of pressure for the event at Circuit of the Americas to be a success. If it wasn’t, it would’ve cast serious doubts on the viability of the series in the United States. The day started with beautiful weather, some intrigue by Ferrari and ended with Lewis Hamilton‘s McLaren- Mercedes beating Sebastian Vettel‘s Red Bull – Renault to the checkered flag.

The day was beautiful, the track shone in the autumn Texas sun, a few clouds dotting an beautiful blue sky. Temperatures were in the mid 70’s, with a track temperature of 88 degrees. There was a crowd approaching 120,000. The track had been very slick through qualifying and the open practice sessions were the first chance many teams had to experience the track. There was a noticeable lack of grip and many cars were careening off the course until the teams were able to dial the cars in.

What followed, though, was a thoroughly entertaining race. While Hamilton and Vettel finished around 30 seconds ahead of the field, there was hard racing throughout the field.

I plan on watching next week’s season ending Brazilian Grand Prix, and being fully engaged next season. As I said earlier, it’s the best racing on the planet and well worth the time.

If you are interested in the difference between NASCAR and F1, check this out.

Things on the bucket list

Posted: November 15, 2012 in bucket list, Travel
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I’ve managed to cross a thing or two off my personal bucket list over the years….

  1.  Marry the girl of my dreams? Check.
  2. See the Phillies play in the World Series (that they won)? Check.
  3. See The Wall performed live? Check.
  4. Walk the Roman Forum at night? Check.
  5. Go to the top of the Eiffel Tower? Check.
  6. Visit the Tower of London? Check.

 

So on and so on. There’s still a lot I want to do, but one that always strikes me is that I want to see this phenomenon with my own eyes:

The Northern Lights (although I’d probably see them from Alaska or Canada)

One day I’ll get there… I first thought about it 15 years ago or so, when Molson Ice sponsored their Polar Beach Party in Tuktoyaktuk, Northwest Territories. The advertised the lineup, which featured Metallica, Hole and Veruca Salt and the trumpeted that the light show was provided by Mother Nature. I kind of said… Damn.

So, that’s about it for today. Maybe the bucket list items will make an appearance in future posts, but I recommend having a list. Never know when you might have the chance to cross something off of it.

The importance of climate control

Posted: November 14, 2012 in cold weather, Exercise, Physical activity, Walking
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Climate control… schemes for controlling the environmental elements of an area or region.

This can refer to a refrigerator or freezer used to keep food fresh and beer cold, or it can refer to keeping your house warm or cool, depending on the season.

At my place of employment, it usually translates into keeping one section of the building as the polar zone while the area directly across the hallway feels like the front porch of Hell.

It brings to mind an issue that, being a fattie, I suffer with. Temperature control. At least when it deals with warmth. In cold weather, exertion is quick to make me perspire, which is also uncomfortable, but I really start to wilt as the temperature climbs. I guess I’m really screwed if this global warming stuff keeps up.

Either way, exertion makes me sweat. So does spicy food. So, maybe eating hot wings on a treadmill isn’t the best idea. Granted, that’s never a good idea. What I’m driving at is that with the upcoming winter weather, it’s best to take steps to protect yourself if exercising outdoors. The American Council on Exercise suggests the following tips:

  1. Wear layers. Insulating yourself against the wind and other elements is key, so create a layered barrier instead of a single bulk. (The advantage is you can always remove the outer layer if you get over-heated.) The first layer that’s directly touching your skin should be a lightweight synthetic or polyester material. It will dry quickly and wick away moisture. The second layer should be wool or polyester fleece. The outermost layer — worn in the rain, snow, or wind — should be lighter weight and water-repellent to help you stay dry.
  2. Add a hat. About 50 percent of body heat is lost from an uncovered head when the temperatures hit the freezing mark. Wearing a hat will help your body retain heat.
  3. Don’t forget your gloves. Keeping hands and feet warm is key in the cold temperatures since your body will shunt blood away from extremities to keep your internal organs warm. Gloves will help prevent skin damage and frostbite in sub-zero temperatures. To keep your feet warm, make sure your torso is properly insulated. That will drive blood back down to your lower extremities.
  4. Avoid heavy cotton materials that sop up sweat. These will make you wetter and colder. Stick with wool and polyester fabrics.
  5. Check the forecast. Check the air temperature and wind chill factor before exercising in the cold. The US National Safety Council says there’s little risk when exercising in 20° Fahrenheit  even with 30 miles per hour winds, but that dangers exist when the combined temperature and windchill falls below -20°F.
  6. Consider a face mask or scarf in frigid temperatures. If those temperatures are dipping near the danger zone, protect the skin on your face by covering it up. Having a loose layer over your nose and mouth can also warm frigid air before you inhale, helping to protect your lungs.

Nowadays, I only run if chased (and that might even be doubtful), but these are smart tips to follow even if you’re just taking a walk, or shoveling snow, even hanging Christmas lights on your rain gutters. Any of these activities, no matter how slight the exertion, can cause some unsafe conditions… that’s why it’s important to keep yourself climate controlled. There have been many times that I’ve been outside shoveling snow and ice, drenched in sweat, even though it’s 15 degrees. I’ve been wearing Gore-Tex and Thinsulate heavy gloves and still can’t feel my fingers due to my extremities shutting down because I’m sweating so much I have to keep my jacket open.

The moral of the story is to be careful when out in the cold. Take care of yourself. Frostbite is no picnic, so don’t click on the link if you have a weak stomach.

What a racket!

Posted: November 13, 2012 in diabetes, Doctors and Dentists and Nurses... oh my!, Novo Nordisk, The Beetus, Travel
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In the big news, I decided to try a new method of insulin delivery. I had read of the flex pens and the ease of injections and the like. I also saw there was a $50 coupon. I had no idea how much they would cost, but I assumed it would be in the neighborhood of what I currently pay. For the record, the price on a vial of insulin, which lasts about a month, is about $37, once the insurance deductible is satisfied.

Anyway, I contacted my healthcare provider’s office and requested a scrip for the flex pens. The insulin brands I use are from Novo Nordisk, a Danish company that concentrates its business in diabetes care, and they offer the pens in both flavors of insulin that I use. My primary insulin is called Novolog. I take three shots a day with meals. My other insulin is a longer-acting variety called Levemir that I take at bedtime. Basically, I go through 4 syringes a day as well as multiple sticks to test my glucose. I really am a human pincushion.

Getting back to the pens, I read how this is an easier method of injection, and was thinking ahead to travel. Touring Disney parks while toting insulin vials and syringes is a pain in the ass, not to mention the hassle of getting a slightly unfrozen ice pack through airport security. I realize that the vials, once opened, do not need refrigeration per se, they just need to be kept under 86 degrees. That can be a challenge in the Florida heat, as you can imagine. I knew the pens had the same refrigeration standards, but offered durability and less prep work to use, so why not?

The office called in the prescription to the local CVS and I got the call that the pens were ready for pickup. I dutifully took my $50 coupon to the pharmacy, handed it over, and was greeted with the news that my total (which I figured would be around $100-$120 was in fact $255.26. AFTER the coupon!

Yikes.

It just makes you wonder how the price would be that much higher for the same drug in the same proportion. I was too flabbergasted to contact the insurance about it last night, but I think I’m going to look into this. That’s unconscionable, in my opinion. I’ll keep you posted.

In the meantime, after trying it, I think the vial and syringe method is actually less painful. Go figure. Pay more and it winds up hurting in more ways than one. Sigh.

Thoughts…

Posted: November 12, 2012 in Bariatric surgery, Weight loss
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So, as many of you know, I’ve been in a bariatric surgery program since May. Thus far, the program has consisted of workouts, consultations with a psychologist and dietitian, and regular visits with my primary care provider. I’ve attended support group sessions, information sessions and classroom sessions. I’ve researched the various surgical options available to me. I’ve weighed the risks and rewards, I’ve waffled, I’ve gone from one camp to the other.

In short, I’m really not any closer to a decision than I was.

It boils down to one thing… do the risks frighten me enough to overcome the desire to have my diabetes go into remission?

The short answer? I don’t know.

On one hand, 70-80% of the gastric bypass surgeries result in complete remission. As in no more meds. No more injections. No more having to carry around a load of vials and enough needles to make a hardened junkie jealous. The other hand? Bowel obstructions, leaky staple sites, infections, problems with urination, basically any of the same risks with any abdominal surgery.

As you can see, this is not an easy decision to make. I read of the complications, but the people I know who have had a successful surgery all swear by it.

Either way I decide, the earliest we would be doing it would be in January. In the meantime, I’ll keep up with the workouts and keep weighing the risks/rewards.

It’s my life, after all.

Mixed feelings

Posted: November 12, 2012 in Disney
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So, word has come out that Disney is replacing the iconic Main Street Bakery with a Starbucks location. This really generates mixed feelings for me… on one hand, Starbucks is an iconic brand with good coffee (so far as I remember), but, on the other  hand, I think of this quote attributed to the late George Carlin:

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge asshole.

I’ll reserve judgement until I see the finished result… if it’s done right, I’ll deal. I won’t like it, because I’m never pleased when they mess with something iconic for the sake of a few more dollars, but if they jack it up, all bets are off.

Fun With Siri

Posted: November 10, 2012 in technology
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I was messing around with Siri earlier today. She’s a recent addition to the tech arsenal. I don’t use her for much more than setting alarms, etc. but I was killing some time and started in with song lyrics. I asked her, “Who is the man who would risk his neck for his brother man?”

This was her reply:

20121110-224235.jpg

She’s a hip intelligent agent.

I did it!

Posted: November 9, 2012 in Cooking, recipes
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Not the best presentation, but the tastiness is there.

I made jambalaya… and it smells awesome.

Tastes pretty good, too, as it turns out. All in all, not bad for a first try. I’ll post the recipe, even though I’m sure I will tweak it as I make it again. It’s certainly in the rotation.

I made some changes to make it a little healthier. In place of regular andouille sausage, I located some Johnsonville Cajun chicken sausage that cut the fat in half while preserving a nice spicy taste.

Here ya go:

Jambalaya

Ingredients:

  • 12 shrimp, peeled, deveined and cut into chunks
  • 4 ounces chicken breast, diced
  • 1 tablespoon Creole seasoning, recipe follows
  • 2 tablespoons olive oil
  • 1/2 cup chopped onion
  • 1/2 cup chopped bell pepper (mix up the colors for visual appeal)
  • 1/2 cup chopped celery
  • 2 tablespoons chopped garlic
  • 1/2 cup chopped tomatoes (I used canned… it was what I had in the house)
  • 3 bay leaves
  • 1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
  • 1 teaspoon hot sauce (I used Tabasco Chipotle sauce – SPW likes the smokiness)
  • 3/4 cup rice
  • 3 cups chicken stock (salt free preferred)
  • 6 ounces Johnsonville Cajun chicken sausage
  • Salt and pepper to taste

Directions

In a bowl combine shrimp, chicken and Creole seasoning, and work in seasoning well. In a large saucepan heat oil over high heat with onion, pepper and celery, 3 minutes. Add garlic, tomatoes, bay leaves, Worcestershire and hot sauces. Stir in rice and slowly add broth. Reduce heat to medium and cook until rice absorbs liquid and becomes tender, stirring occasionally, about 15 minutes. When rice is just tender add shrimp and chicken mixture and sausage. Cook until meat is done, about 10 minutes more. Season to taste with salt, pepper and Creole seasoning. Depending on your taste preference, you might want to mix more seasoning in with your proteins. Also, more veggies would probably not hurt the cause.

Creole seasoning:

  • 2 1/2 tablespoons paprika
  • 2 tablespoons salt
  • 2 tablespoons garlic powder
  • 1 tablespoon black pepper
  • 1 tablespoon onion powder
  • 1 tablespoon cayenne pepper
  • 1 tablespoon dried oregano
  • 1 tablespoon dried thyme

Combine all ingredients thoroughly.

Yield: 2/3 cup

There ya have it. The good news is that a serving should be around 450 calories. Not too shabby for a filling meal.

Hope you all have a great weekend!

Song of the Day: Not The Same – Ben Folds with the Dartmouth Aires

Currently Reading: 12.21 – Dustin Thomason

Back to your regularly scheduled posts

Posted: November 8, 2012 in Cooking, gay marriage, rants, Weight loss
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I’ve taken some time off to rant about politics. I know, it’s something I normally eschew, but the level of animosity in the campaign motivated me to just let ‘er rip. If my opinions offended anyone, well, I’m sorry that you feel that way. My opinions, however, are mine alone and I will sometimes express them.

One thing that I did not cover was the concept of marriage equality. I was not ignoring a topic that many feel so passionately about… I had posted a rant specifically on that topic here. As such, I didn’t feel the need to bring it up. However, kudos to Maine and Maryland for approving the ballot measures to legalize gay marriage. Two small steps, I know, but they add up.

Yesterday’s route.

So, getting back to regular topics, I’m pleased to announce that I got out and walked yesterday. Took my lunch break and lapped the parking lot at work. It felt good… especially since it was a long day with very little sleep. Just getting the fresh (cold) air really helped rejuvenate and refocus. It’s not the most scenic of routes, but you work with what you have. It was needed.

There’s other things going on that have really added stress to my life and have made the wheels wobble, if not totally fall off. I’ve been doing a lot of unauthorized snacking. Retreating back to the comforts of food. It sucks because I put so much time into getting better and I’m at risk of ballooning right back up. I could make all sorts of excuses, but I don’t have any. I’m still going to the gym twice a week, which needs to increase. I’m going tomorrow to the regular gym… just not sure if it will be before or after work.

I’ve also been kind of lazy on the cooking front. I’m bound and determined to make the jambalaya this weekend, or at the very least, some chili. Something that’s got everything I need nutrition-wise, and is easy to prepare after a long day at the office. I could even try to make chicken or turkey chili. Never tried those before. I usually opt for lean ground beef.

My other project will be to finish putting things back together in the Nerd Lair. I know, I’ve been saying that for a week. To date, though, I’ve only gotten the DVDs done. There’s still around 700 CDs that need done. I’ll get there. Keep moving forward.

So, my goals are stated… get back on track and get back to the gym. A tall order, but you can only screw around so much. I’m done with that.

Song of the Day: Once in a Lifetime – University of Wisconsin MadHatters

Currently Reading: The Dark Side of Disney – Leonard Kinsey

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