Memoirs of a Soon-to-Be Former Fat Guy

So, here we are. The Day After the Most Important Election in History. At least that’s what CNN says. Granted, they would hype a school board race in Perry County if they thought it would get ratings. I am confused, though… wasn’t 2008 The Most Important Election in History? Either way, the political sheeple are eating it up like Joey Chesnutt scarfing wieners at a Nathan’s hot dog eating contest.

I know this because I used to be one of the political sheeple.

Here’s a news flash:

It doesn’t matter that Barack Obama won.

Does. Not. Matter. One. Bit.

The world will continue to revolve. People will still go to work, worry about the economy, raise a family, try to make ends meet, and continue to live. The only immediate impact of the Obama win is that a boatload of Republicans have retreated to lick their wounds and rail about electoral sabotage and dirty tricks.

Politics is a funny business. We have citizens who think it’s the greatest travesty ever visited on the country that George W. Bush was elected twice. And that if Al Gore or John Kerry had been elected, well, the country would have been that better off and everywhere you’d look, there’d be unicorns shitting gold bars in the streets, free for the taking.

We have citizens who think the same thing about Bill Clinton’s presidency. That if Bush the first had been reelected or Bob Dole had won in 1996, well it would all be good. No recessions, and all that money would trickle down to us poor folks. Voodoo economics, indeed.

Fact is, neither side is right, and neither side is wrong. We view these elections through the “what’s in it for me” lens. What about what’s in it for the country? Has any one of these cretins actually given a shit about the country as a whole? I think not. I hear Barack Obama talking about hope and change and peace and love and dope and god knows what else. I heard Mitt Romney yakking about how he knows how to run things and people need to get back to work and no more welfare and all that rot.

I call bovine scatology.

Lets look at facts. The country is falling apart. The infrastructure is crumbling. Everywhere you look, moral decay, overcrowded prisons, government and other groups monitoring what you do with your body and in your bedroom, schools focused on standardized test scores rather than making sure kids actually learn anything useful, zero tolerance, massive overspending on a broken educational system, unions bitching that they aren’t getting a big enough raise, an increasingly litigious society that thinks it has the constitutional right to be stupid and then has the chutzpah to think the smarter part of society owes it, skyrocketing health care costs and a shrinking middle class shouldering a larger and larger portion of the tax burden.

Where does it end?

Bad news, folks. It will only end when we stop the petty bickering and actually elect some folks who just want to go to Washington, do what they were elected to do, and get the hell out of there.

SPW has said that her political party hasn’t been invented yet. The Personal Responsibility Party. What a concept. Imagine someone shooting themselves in the hand with a nail gun and instead of suing Black & Decker, they say, “Whoops… My bad.” Don’t expect to be handsomely rewarded if you slip on your neighbor’s sidewalk… It’s icy, dumbass. Think maybe it might be a little slippery? Or did you not know that ice was slippery because it wasn’t on the standardized test? Maybe if people would man up and take some responsibility, it might be a different story.

Proud to be part of this 1%

I saw something on Facebook this morning where someone wrote, “Let the healing begin…” We shouldn’t need to be so divided that we need to heal over an election where the candidates are basically opposite sides of the same coin. I heard all sorts of Romney-ites saying that a vote for anyone other than Mittens was a vote for BHO. I disagree. It’s my vote and I voted for what I felt would best benefit the country. I was told that if I voted third-party, I was wasting my vote. Bull. I voted with my conscience.

It’s no secret I have no love for BHO. I think he’s a charlatan issuing empty promises, using one hand to distract the people while using the other to twist the public teat until it’s purple. It’s no secret I harbored similar feelings toward W, though not for the same reason. Each of them has sullied the office, and despite all that, I still respect the office, even if I have trouble respecting the officeholder.

So, you probably wonder what I would do if it were up to me to fix. Here’s my summation of my ideas and the best ideas I’ve seen in social media:

• Election season would be six months. No more, no less.’
• Election financing would be provided on an equal basis to each candidate. NO PRIVATE DONATIONS. There would also be a spending cap set by law.
• All primary elections would take place on the same day.
• All general elections would take place on the same day. No early voting. Polls would be open longer hours to serve the voters.
• News outlets would be prohibited BY LAW from predicting winners. This practice can have an effect on an election and discourage West Coast voters from going to the poll if it seems one candidate has a large lead.
• Instead of campaign advertising, each candidate would be given the opportunity to provide a position statement on a given that would be read, verbatim, by a news anchor, without commentary.
• One debate each month.

Is it ever going to happen? Not as long as politicians are politicians, but imagine a civilized campaign. And no phone calls from Chuck Norris, Clint Eastwood, Michelle Obama or anyone else. Blessed silence.

This is my last political post/rant for a while. I hope I am proven wrong and the next four years are prosperous for our nation.

I hope.