That feeling of futility

Posted: August 8, 2012 in Exercise, Futility, regrets, Weight loss

Ever sit down and wonder, “What’s the point?”

Have you ever been just struck by a feeling that what you are trying to do is totally pointless?

Have you ever been so discouraged for no apparent reason that you start to doubt your own state of mind?

I’ve been there the last few days. I’ve gone through the motions at the gym, worked up a sweat, but have been totally second guessing my reasons for embarking on this journey in the first place. It makes no logical sense whatsoever for me to be feeling this way, but I still do.

See, this is danger time for me. This is the time when I start to snack when I shouldn’t. I’ll start skipping days at the gym. I’ll be “too busy” or some other bullshit excuse. Even if I don’t have a good reason, I’ll take a bad reason and make it sound good, the entire time trying to justify it to myself.

Why the hell does this always happen? I kid you not… if I could just learn to listen to the sheer bullshit I was spewing at times like this, well, I probably wouldn’t be so damn fat.

I guess you could say that my biggest (no pun intended) enemy is myself. It’s not the weight, it’s my mind. How do you battle something that knows everything about you?

Logically, I know I’ve made strides. I’m getting encouragement (thanks, folks!) and not just from the folks I see on a daily basis. Still, the biggest inner voice is the one screaming, “You suck! You’re such a loser! You’ll never amount to anything but a big, fat pig!” and as much as I try to silence that, it screams all the louder. The more I ignore it, the more it keeps eating away at my willpower until eventually, I cave. I always have.

Maybe it’s time to just stop listening to that inner voice, or better yet, bitch slap it into submission. Granted, I have NO idea how to do that, but if this is going to work, I need to figure it out pretty quickly. Maybe I should just write it a memo. I don’t know.

One day at a time, I suppose. This way, if I have a bad day today, I can have a better day tomorrow. Maybe it’s not totally futile.

Comments
  1. I TOTALLY get what you are saying, Brian! I hear those words in my own head too. I think it’s because I have ALWAYS been overweight. From childhood on. During my adulthood, I lost a bunch of weight twice. Both times, I thought I was skinny and, I told myself I looked great! Then I look at pictures from back then and think “Really? I thought I was thin?” So, while I am dying for a brownie and my muscles are aching from exercise, I start to think “Why do you think this time will be any different? Why do you think you can ever be skinny? You never have been. This is who you are. Just give up!” Funny how your own mind can make you feel like a total loser!

    I also think, because I have NEVER been an ideal weight, if I get there, I won’t know who I am any more. My weight has been in the forefront of my mind 90% of my waking hours all my life. If I don’t have to worry about it any more, what do I do? It’s almost like I am afraid to be thin so I sabotage myself.

    It makes no sense at all yet there it is.

    I guess it’s time to start yelling back at that inner voice. I like your idea of giving it a bitch slap. I need to figure out a way to tell myself that I’m done being who I’ve always been (defined by my weight). It’s time to find out who I am going to be.

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