Sadness, loss, and frustration

Posted: April 3, 2014 in family, regrets

Author’s note: Just a warning… I’m writing this after too many days of not enough sleep, a ten-hour shift and it’s 3:40 AM. As a result, it’s a little on the rambling side. Sorry.

As you can probably tell from the title, this isn’t going to be a particularly uplifting post.

In LOLspeak, I haz a sad.

I can usually be counted on to put on a brave face, suck it up and wall whatever is bothering me off in some dark corner of my psyche. I’m pretty sure if you managed to chisel through the walls, you’d find a very depressing and gloomy path.

I know that internalizing isn’t usually the best course of action, but sometimes you gotta do what you do. This is my usual M.O. Is it healthy? Probably not.

The root cause of my sadness is based in grief. As those of you who read this know, I recently lost a favorite cousin. He’s being laid to rest on Saturday.

At my mom's 70th birthday party, just two years ago

At my mom’s 70th birthday party, just two years ago

The kicker came when my mom called last Sunday to let us know that my Aunt Marie was in hospice care and given days to live. We went to say our goodbyes on Tuesday and it really tore me up. This vibrant woman, unresponsive, struggling to breathe. It wasn’t a pretty sight, and it really hit me hard.

Now, Aunt Marie is actually my great aunt. She is my late grandmother’s sister-in-law, but the fine distinctions never came to mind. It was a special treat when she came to visit. She was always so full of life and fun. As much as it hit me, this one hit my sister even harder. She would go to Aunt Marie’s for a few weeks every summer. As usual, I feel extremely guilty for letting life get in the way of seeing her as the years have marched on. I just hope she knows on some level that I came by to wish her well.

So, while I know that death is as much a part of life as anything, it sucks that it has to be so humbling.

The real clincher is that her sickness is my old nemesis.

Cancer.

I hate that fucking disease with every fiber of my being. While she’s not gone yet, that little bastard is what’s going to do it.

Here lies the frustration. So far, cancer has taken away so many of my loved ones and all I have to show for it are the tears. This is why I raise money and donate money to fight it. Maybe it’s a losing battle, but if we can do something to either stop or at least slow the advance, we might have a prayer of staying in the game.

The part that really depresses me is the simple unfairness of it all. Good people die in such a horrible way, shadows of their former selves, and bad people are still walking around. I want to believe that it is all part of some cosmic master plan by a supreme being, whether it be God, Allah, Yahweh, or whatever supreme deity you happen to believe in. I just have such a hard time believing that said deity, if He is indeed benevolent as we are taught, would let people suffer so much, rob them of their dignity and faculties, basically leaving behind an empty shell.

You could say I have a pretty bad crisis of faith.

Now I know a lot of people will read that and have issues with what I am saying. If these comments offend you, you have my apologies. I don’t mean to offend.

At any rate, there you have it. Grief, sadness, frustration, all in under 700 words.

Do me a favor, though. Treasure your loved ones. Tell your parents, grandparents, siblings, extended family, hell, complete strangers even, tell them you love them. Give them a hug. They are all that really matters in life. Enjoy and cherish the time you do have together, because that time will be over all too soon.

And regretting those times you didn’t have together is a shitty way to go through life.

Just sayin’

Comments
  1. Elisabeth O'Brien says:

    Oh Brian, I am so sorry! Cancer is so very cruel. I’m not offended by your crisis of faith. In fact, I think God wants us to be honest with Him about how we feel, even when it’s not all pretty and sanitized. Maybe especially then. As a person of faith myself, I sure don’t have all the answers. I do believe in the goodness of God though. I don’t believe that He causes cancer. I think diseases are a result of living in this fallen world that is tainted by sin and not at all the way God designed it. I think that he hates to see us suffer, just like a father hates to see his child hurt. Sometimes life is just flat out difficult beyond words. Praying for your aunt and everyone who loves her.

  2. […] you might remember that a few months ago, I had posted about my personal crisis of faith. One of mom’s friends had asked her if I was angry at God. I tried to explain my feelings, […]

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