Memoirs of a Soon-to-Be Former Fat Guy

I went to the gym this morning (and no, I didn’t skip an exercise appointment to work out) and was totally killing it on the elliptical. See, Ryan had told me to not lift on consecutive days and since I’ll be lifting tomorrow, well I made today a cardio day.

Gym was pretty sparsely populated today, so no problems getting my favorite elliptical. It’s the one at the end of the row. I choose that one so the maximum amount people working out next to me is one. Not that I’m antisocial, I just find having people on either side of me messes up my pace. It’s all those years as a band geek.

Anyway, after killing it on the elliptical, I did some time on the bike. It’s hard to get used to, though. I can never seem to get the height of the seat exactly right. That and the muscle groups are subtly different. I don’t have nearly as much endurance on the bike. I’ll get there. Anyway, I went back to the locker room to use the facilities, wash up, and wait for Supportive Partner Woman to be done. That’s when I encountered Gratuitously Naked Guy. Gratuitously Naked Guy (in search of a colony!) is this old guy who likes to parade around the locker room buckass nekked, y’all. It’s the moon, sun and stars in all their wrinkly glory. He likes to hold conversations. Naked conversations. With other guys. With his foot up on the bench. No towel within 50 feet. Just a guy (who looks like The Joker) wandering about the locker room waving his junk all over Hell and creation. I’ve never spoken to him before.

That all changed today.

As I was washing my hands, Gratuitously Naked Guy sauntered over and started the following conversation:

GNG: Say, nice weather out there.
Me: Uh, yes. Yes it is (concentrating on studiously drying my hands)
GNG: (no lie) Come here often?
Me: a few times a week
GNG (who is not exactly what you would call svelte): Good to see overweight people such as yourself here working hard.
Me: Er, thanks?

That’s the truth.

Gratuitously Naked Guy then wandered off on search of another victim. You might be wondering why I actually spoke to the guy. Other than it would be rude to ignore him? Well, I always figure that you should be nice to the crazy naked people. Here’s the funny thing, though… as many times as I’ve seen him touring the locker room, I’VE NEVER ACTUALLY SEEN HIM WORK OUT. In all fairness, I probably wouldn’t recognize him fully clothed. And for the record, he looks a lot like a bloodhound.

So, to anyone out there considering taking up the hobby of trolling the locker room at the gym sans apparel, here’s some advice…

Don’t be that guy.

Song of the Day: Escape – Journey
Currently Reading: Steve Jobs – Walter Isaacson