It happened

Posted: March 31, 2013 in Bariatric surgery, family, Food porn, liquid diet, regrets, Supportive Partner Woman

So, today had the promise of a pretty good day. I got some sleep, write a post, did stuff for awhile, the Supportive Partner Woman (Understanding!) and I went to visit her family. I’ve alluded to the fact that SPW’s mother has had some health issues and she is currently in a care facility for therapy and rehabilitation. As such, we’ve been known to take the holiday meal to her. SPW’s sister and brother-in-law brought a ham, potato filling, green bean surprise, corm, rolls, basically an entire feast.

I brought a container of sugar-free Jell-o and a container of sugar-free pudding.

easterI thought I’d be OK with it. I really thought I’d be OK with it. Then I made the mistake of thinking about it. Then, as a lark, I took pictures of the great disparity. Then I wanted nothing more than to eat real food. It was a physical longing such that I never really felt before. I just wanted some ham and potatoes and bread. Lots of bread. I just wanted to eat and eat and eat and eat. And the worst part is that I wasn’t even hungry. It was a compulsion

I was a junkie in search of his fix.

It scared me so much I couldn’t even talk about it with SPW, who was feeling incredibly guilty for eating real food in front of me.

I started wondering whether I had just made one huge mistake.

I’ve been pondering that since I got home. I was even trying to plot a way to put some leftovers in the blender and puree myself some Easter dinner.

Pureed ham. Ain’t nothing better ‘n that.

Seriously, though… I have to wonder if I’m always going to feel that way at a holiday table. Or if we go out. Will I always be craving that next meal? Was this just a moment of weakness or am I doomed to this feeling every time? I just don’t know.

In a way, those of us who are overweight have it tougher than folks addicted to alcohol or drugs or smoking. We still need food to survive. This whole episode today has me wondering if I can do this. If I really can succeed.

I guess I need to take it one day at a time.

Thanks for listening.

Comments
  1. Wow, I thought about that as part of my decision to have bariatric surgery or not. I am part of a program through our healthcare system here in Canada that goes through the psychology supports, dietitian as well as kenislogist, nurse and doc. At group we talk about what you just did. That scares me. I admire your bravery and willingness to tell it like it is. All I can say is, whether you go through the surgery or not, we (you and me) have made life decisions to CHANGE our behavior towards food. Part of that is to stop thinking about food in terms of treats, deserving, rewards etc. Food is fuel not therapy is my mantra. We will get through this and one day we will be able to normalize food in our everyday life. Keep going! It is worth it!!

  2. Kurt Smith says:

    Brian – I haven’t been commenting (or calling, sorry man), but I’ve been reading and your fast recovery is in our thoughts and prayers. There’s going to be pangs of whether you did the right thing simply because this is a big change. Just remind yourself that you didn’t want to do insulin anymore and shouldn’t have to if you don’t want to. God Bless Cuz.

  3. Tammi says:

    First off, I have made that same addiction analogy – alcoholics can completely recover. Food addicts – we have to eat. I’m glad someone else has finally said that. Second – you will be able to have a holiday meal again, just not for a while. Next easter, you will have ham, and potatoes and bread. Just not as much as LAST easter. And I can almost guarentee you it is worth it. It was not a mistake. Because very soon – you’ll be able to do things, that have been a struggle in the past. And that is so much more important than a slice of ham. I am years past as you know, and I can put away a lot of food – and on occasion I do. I almost always regret it because its so easy to slide. Think to the future, not the past. The cravings will probably always be there – you have to control the portiions! Hang in there – it does get better.

  4. Stephanie M says:

    You got this Brian. I’m so proud of you that you made it through a really tough situation. When I saw the title I figured you finally went potty. Food is my choice of drug also, so I feel your pain. Hang in there buddy. I wish I could say something witty or helpful, but I’ve got nothing. I have no idea how to get over food cravings. No idea. Sending hugs.

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