So, today had the promise of a pretty good day. I got some sleep, write a post, did stuff for awhile, the Supportive Partner Woman (Understanding!) and I went to visit her family. I’ve alluded to the fact that SPW’s mother has had some health issues and she is currently in a care facility for therapy and rehabilitation. As such, we’ve been known to take the holiday meal to her. SPW’s sister and brother-in-law brought a ham, potato filling, green bean surprise, corm, rolls, basically an entire feast.
I brought a container of sugar-free Jell-o and a container of sugar-free pudding.
I thought I’d be OK with it. I really thought I’d be OK with it. Then I made the mistake of thinking about it. Then, as a lark, I took pictures of the great disparity. Then I wanted nothing more than to eat real food. It was a physical longing such that I never really felt before. I just wanted some ham and potatoes and bread. Lots of bread. I just wanted to eat and eat and eat and eat. And the worst part is that I wasn’t even hungry. It was a compulsion
I was a junkie in search of his fix.
It scared me so much I couldn’t even talk about it with SPW, who was feeling incredibly guilty for eating real food in front of me.
I started wondering whether I had just made one huge mistake.
I’ve been pondering that since I got home. I was even trying to plot a way to put some leftovers in the blender and puree myself some Easter dinner.
Pureed ham. Ain’t nothing better ‘n that.
Seriously, though… I have to wonder if I’m always going to feel that way at a holiday table. Or if we go out. Will I always be craving that next meal? Was this just a moment of weakness or am I doomed to this feeling every time? I just don’t know.
In a way, those of us who are overweight have it tougher than folks addicted to alcohol or drugs or smoking. We still need food to survive. This whole episode today has me wondering if I can do this. If I really can succeed.
I guess I need to take it one day at a time.
Thanks for listening.