I'm Brian, and what you see here is usually the product of my warped sense of geekiness. I started the blog to chronicle my struggle against being overweight but I've branched out into social commentary as well as the trials and tribulations of bariatric surgery. When I'm not being snarky on here, I like baseball, music, and travel, as well as keeping up with technology. Oh, and I also have a wee bit of a Lego problem.
I write to you this fine morning from Blandon, PA. This is the home of the extended family of The Management. It is also the site of the annual “Out with the old, in with the cash” yard sale.
It’s not a bad setting. It’s right on 222 and this is the opening day of the Kutztown Folk Festival. That equals pretty good traffic.
I always like yard sales for one specific reason… the people watching is unrivaled. Seriously. Where else can you see such unbridled cheapness? I often say to Mrs. T. that I am tempted to charge one pubic hair for something, just so I can hear another human being say, “Will you take half a pubic hair for that?” I like a bargain as much as the next person, but shopping someone else’s castoffs is not a license to be shameless. Be fair.
So, what to talk about today? How about yesterday? I finished moving the bar to the basement and attaching the top. It looks pretty snazzy. However, as some of you have commented, I was not in a good place yesterday. So, if it seemed like my heart wasn’t in to writing, it really wasn’t. I’ll try to do better today.
Getting back to the bar, I made a pretty stupid, amateur mistake that I was pretty annoyed about. I assumed that each side of the base was the same size. That was not the case, ergo, I cut the shelves all to the short side. Grrrr.
Looking back, it was probably because I was distracted. There are some big changes afoot, and I’m sure that’s been weighing on my mind. The point I am trying to make is that whatever you’re doing, focus. If you pay attention, you make less mistakes. This goes with weight loss. If you pay attention to what you’re putting in your mouth, losing the weight will be that much easier. Not necessarily counting calories alone, but knowing that what you’re eating has benefits for you. For example, eating fish that has Omega3, eating veggies for the vitamins and minerals. Avoiding a lot of carbs and sugars. There’s useful information on the label. Check it out! You can make exceptions, though, as I did last night with new pretzel M&M’s. Those things were GOOD!
As I’m typing this on my iPhone, I’m going to cut this a little short. I might have more to add later, depending, but I will leave you with the following: To all of our friends traveling this holiday weekend, travel safely. If you’re headed to the shore, wear sunscreen and if you’re going elsewhere in the proximity of quality beer, drink one for me.
Today’s weight is undetermined. I feel a bit lighter, though.
Today’s title comes from The Cure. So, thanks, Robert Smith & company. It really is a good song, one that was a staple during my college radio days.
So, allow me to start today’s entry by saying that an important milestone was reached. I am pleased to announce that major construction is done on the bar. I fully expect to be moving the base to the rec room today and marrying it to the bar top, which has been languishing in the basement for a couple of weeks. Keep tuned to my Facebook page for picture updates.
When I say major construction is done, that doesn’t mean there aren’t a ton of little things to be done. For example, I still need to attach the trim and mount the shelves, not to mention all the other little finishing items. It’s true what they say about home ownership. Your work is never really done.
Moving right along, we will move into today’s topic.
Guilt.
Guilt is everywhere you look, my friends. Whether you feel guilty because you stole a candy bar from the mini mart when you were eight or you feel guilty because you gorged on cake rather than something a little healthier. It’s pretty natural to feel guilt or regret over your actions. If you beat yourself up incessantly for every little mistake that you make, well, you’re going to spend an awful lot of time beating yourself up because we all make a lot of mistakes.
Football coaches will say that “a good quarterback has a short memory.” This is pretty true… if the QB kept dredging up every interception he threw, we wouldn’t see much scoring. We all need to have short memories when it comes to our mistakes, at least in the food intake area. If you eat a piece of cake, you ate a piece of cake. It’s not the end of the world. It’s a piece of cake. The key is not to make mistakes all of the time.
One other consequence of guilt is the associated feelings of helplessness and depression, which often lead people to overeat. For many of us, we find solace in food. I know I do. Problems with your boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other? Let’s send out for a pizza! In my case, it usually was a pizza. A whole, large pizza. With extra cheese. Consumed while I was sitting in front of the tube feeling sorry for myself. It tasted damn good. But then the guilt creeps in and you feel even worse and order another pizza and eat it and then another pizza and this time let’s get some chicken wings and a whole package of Keebler Fudge Stripe cookies and I’ll also drink real Coke not that diet crap because it’s all messed up and my life is messed up and then I’ll just stay inside because I’m fat and I don’t want anyone to see that I’ve gotten even fatter and maybe I’ll just start trying again next week but in the meantime pizza!
I’ve been there, friends, looked over the precipice and I’m coming back. Who’s with me?
“Everything happens for a reason. Except for the spork. I mean, seriously, what the hell?” – Anonymous
Recently my employers have switched the provided plastic flatware from spoons and forks to the dreaded spork. You have no idea how much consternation this has caused. Grown men in the break room, weeping because they can no longer properly spear their manly steak and must resort to shoveling. A great wailing and gnashing of teeth from people attempting to spork their tomato soup without dripping any on their clothes. During a recent service anniversary party, employees were observed fleeing said party, handfuls of actual plastic forks and spoons secured to their bodies.
It is a sad state of affairs when one must fight the power of the spork. The spork has its place, that place, however, is not where I eat my dinner. An alert reader and fellow sufferer of the regime of the spork sent me the following information she found on Wikipedia:
“Plastic sporks are common in prisons in the United States because they are difficult to form into weapons.”
Seriously? Could this be the true reason that the spork has been foisted upon us? Are there really pressroom operators, composition specialists and CSRs in the exercise yard making prison shivs? This baffles me to no end. There are times when it feels like jail, but that’s only when you’re stuck in a windowless room for hours on end. There are no bars. There used to be bad chow, but then they closed the cafeteria on 2nd and 3rd shifts. I’m very confused.
Enough about the spork for now. Let’s get down to brass tacks, namely our excursion to the wooly hinterlands of Mechanicsburg. This is pretty exciting stuff for those of use who don’t get out much, so bear with me.
Around 11 AM, Mrs. T and I grabbed our environmentally conscious grocery bags, a cooler, some ice blocks and headed out to the Honda. After a stop for gas and a stop to drop off overdue library materials we were back on 283 west heading toward Harrisburg. Traffic moved pretty well until we got to the I-83 bridge. After crawling across the bridge, we entered the traffic wasteland of 581. Not pretty, but we made it to our destination…
Wegman’s. (Insert choir of angels singing)
After securing a parking space, we took our environmentally conscious grocery bags, grabbed a cart and entered grocery nirvana. First stop is usually the produce aisle. Brimming with every sort of produce you could want (and some you wouldn’t), we set to work grabbing healthy stuff. Broccoli crowns? Check. Four types of extremely crunchy apples? Check. Two bunches of celery? Check. $300.00 a pound summer truffles? (silence) Anyone? Anyone? That’s what I thought. When I posted a picture of the price tag of the truffles, the best comment was “Those truffle pigs have to be paid a living wage.”
After navigating the produce aisle, it’s considered good form to admire the tomato, basil and fresh mozzarella salad, then on to the meat aisle. They just have the nicest meats. The really nice thing is that the meat is vacuum packed and stays very fresh. Several trips ago, we bought pork chops and each chop was sealed individually on a sheet. Cut them into strips of two pork chops, stick them in the freezer, no worries. After picking up some pork tenderloin and chicken breast, we admired the brilliant red color of the wild-caught sockeye salmon and made our way to the checkout area.
All-in-all, a most excellent shopping trip. It should also be noted that Wegman’s stocks a decent selection of beers. There’s your typical mass-produced American swill (Yech, Budweiser) along with a decent selection of microbrews and imports. The prices are a little high, but you pay for convenience.
Upon leaving Wegman’s, we ventured across the parking lot to the true Holy of Holies. Chick-Fil-A. Anyone who knows me for any length of time knows about my affinity for Chick-Fil-A. These three words alone are the reason I could never pull off being a vegetarian. I’d drive too close to a Chick-Fil-A and next thing you know I’d be passed out in the middle of the restaurant surrounded by a sea of empty foil sandwich bags.
That was not the case yesterday, as I ate smart. I had half of a grilled chicken sandwich and half of a standard chicken sandwich with a small fruit cup and a bottle of water. Total caloric damage was around 435 calories. Little known fact about Chick-Fil-A is that all the entrée items are under 500 calories and the chicken is breaded on-site, as opposed to being breaded in a factory and shipped that way. If you’re going to eat fast food, eat Chick-Fil-A.
After lunch we headed to Dick’s Sporting Goods where I went looking for some new cross-trainers. I’m a big fan of New Balance, since they make their shoes in wide widths. I’ve been wearing their shoes for years now, starting with the 620, then the 621, 622 and now, the 623. Let me tell you, these are some COMFORTABLE shoes. Almost feels like you’re wearing slippers! Mrs. T. and I both left with a new pair of trainers. I wore mine last night and did nearly two miles on my break and no complaints from my dogs.
Tonight is going to be another drinking night, though, so I had better get my act together and sweat off a few. I leave you with the following:
“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”- Maya Angelou
Today’s weight: 303.0 (Down 17 pounds since last Thursday)
I’m no longer a big fan of living in the past. Let’s get that out of the way up front. I think that our pasts shape us, make us who we are today, and filter our perceptions of the world around us. Take snow for example (No, not the really terrible wannabe rapper Snow who had that really, really stupid “Informer” song), but the flakes of frozen precipitation that tend to accumulate during the winters here in the Amish paradise.
To someone like me, who grew up in Pennsylvania, snow is no fun. It’s pretty when it’s falling, but since I invariably have to shovel it, and have had to shovel it for many years, I despise it. To someone who is a skier, fresh snow means fresh opportunities to hit the slopes and not have to deal with artificial snow. To someone raised in the tropics as a child, snow can fill you with a sense of wonder. Three people, three takes on the same thing, all due to their pasts.
I don’t believe that living in the past is the answer. I did my share of it for a long time. That does not mean I don’t cherish many of my memories, like when I had hair. You see, all the wishing in the world is not going to grow that hair back, just the same as all the wishing in the world won’t make you prom queen or football hero again. Remember the feelings that went along with your status, but accept that fact that those days are gone.
When I look back, I often talk about being that much thinner (but not as much as I talk about my hair). Since I never had one of those lean builds, I got teased a lot for being a fat kid. I was kind of pudgy, but not really fat. Kids can be cruel. The little voice inside your head says, “Well, maybe you are fat.” If you hear that voice enough, you start to believe it. It becomes that much easier to let yourself go. It also winds up in denial. “I’m not fat! I have big bones!” “Well, I may be fat, but I have a glandular condition. I can’t do anything about it.” I didn’t really have either when I started, but it would get people off my back, so I would spout off the denials.
When you go to many of the addiction programs, they always tell you that the first step is admitting you have a problem, that you are powerless over drugs, alcohol, cheeseburgers, etc. That was the hardest part for me. Admitting that yes, I wear shirts large enough to hide a band of desert nomads, and homeless nomads or not, something needs to be done about this. I would read articles about Southwest Airlines making heavier people pay for two seats, or the entire debacle with Kevin Smith being “too fat to fly” and instead of saying, “What do I do if I ever want to fly Southwest?” I would rail against the airline, claiming that I refuse to fly them because they are being discriminatory toward fat people. What a bunch of crap I was spouting. I know that now and the crap won’t be surfacing again.
Enough pontificating for one morning. Had a good day all around yesterday. Managed to clean the first floor of the house and keep the food in check. Since the temperature was so nice, I got a great walk in, 2.02 miles, according to iPedometer. Had some chicken, rice and peas with the obligatory Tabasco, snacked on half a cup of pistachios, some carrots and celery and some sugar-free Jello. The sugar-free Jello is great, especially if you mix your own. You can make 8 servings out of a big box and it will cost you about a buck. We have some small 1/2 cup plastic containers that we use for Jello, they’re great for portion control and everything is pre-measured. The serving of Jello is 10 calories and makes for a nice, refreshing snack.
I did go out after work for drinks with The Management and a friend. Sitting on the deck at the Villa Nova West sipping a couple pints of Yuengling Lager was just what the doctor ordered. Maybe not the best choice for the diet, but it was great for the mind. The karaoke, however, was not so great on the ears. As we were on the deck, we weren’t subjected to as much as we might have been, but listening to some overaged pro-am barfly caterwaul her way through an off-key rendition of Stevie Nicks’ “Edge of Seventeen” was kind of painful. There was nowhere near enough beer being consumed to get me to break out the Frank Sinatra, though, so Lancaster County was safe for another night. Even though it was our first time there, can I just say that the Tuesday night bartender is awesome? I didn’t catch his name, but he came outside to make sure some people left and we chatted a bit.
So, today should bring a trip to Mechanicsburg and Wegman’s. It sucks that the greatest grocery store ON THE PLANET is about 40 minutes away, but we still go periodically. Great prices on meats and produce. I’m going to work on the bar a bit before we go.
This is my last week of work before four weeks off. I’m worried as to what will happen when I’m off and The Management is at work. Can I continue to work hard and avoid the temptation to eat the lining off the fridge due to sheer boredom?
I’d like to think I’m strong enough to do so. With your support, I know I can be.
Thanks for reading.
Today’s weight: 306.0 (down 14.0 from last Thursday)
Today’s post took some thinking. What should I expound upon today? Should I discuss the price of tea in China? Probably not… not seeing the relevance. How about I discuss the changes in the Russian government in the 20 years since the fall of communism? No takers? Hmmm. Maybe I should discuss why I think that Roger Daltrey’s scream at the end of “Won’t Get Fooled Again” is better than Robert Plant’s scream in the beginning of “Immigrant Song”? That has possibilities. Hang on to that one.
Actually, I’m going to talk a little bit about one of the plusses of taking off some pounds. Being able to wear clothes you gave up on years ago. Or, as a dear friend of mine refers to it, “closet shopping.”
My first mental image after hearing that phrase was of that Tom Cruise South Park episode, “Daaad, Tom Cruise won’t come out of the closet…” After a little more thought, I realized it’s a great choice of words. It’s like going shopping for new clothes without having to pay. Not like I shop a lot, but expanding the wardrobe is never a bad thing. If you only own five shirts that fit, people will start taking bets on when you will wear each shirt. (“Dude! I got a finnski sez that Brian will wear the tan polo shirt with the white stripes on Thursday… any takers?”) I’ve managed to closet shop three times since my journey began, most recently yesterday when I found my DCL polo shirt languishing in the back of the closet. It actually fit pretty well. Other closet refugees that have been worn were a very nice WDW polo and a pair of shorts I was going to yard sale.
As far as the title goes, I don’t really hate Mondays, although it was a little warm yesterday. I left the building at 9:50 last night to go for a walk and the air was chewy. I managed to do about half of what I normally do before I was at risk of liquefaction, at which time I called it a night and went in search of air conditioning. The heat is supposed to break temporarily today or tomorrow, which should mean much better walking conditions.
Other big events yesterday included the priming of the bar and my smallest-ever purchase at Home Depot. I decided to prime the bar with Killz before putting the gleaming final coats of Polar Bear on it, figuring that since the basement has the ability to be a little damp, this will fight any chances of mildew. As for the smallest-ever Home Depot purchase, I had to buy a white receptacle plate. Total damage, after tax, was $0.24. That’s me, the last of the big-time spenders.
Daltrey vs. Plant. At 7:50 of “Won’t Get Fooled Again”, Daltrey unleashes a throat-ripping wail that is so primal and unmodulated it’s scary. On “Immigrant Song” Plant’s scream is in tune, lacking the primal factor. Just my opinion. This is not a Zeppelin bash by any stretch, and I am perfectly willing to concede that Plant has the better voice otherwise. Just not in this instance.
Getting back to the true purpose of this post, though, the biggest obstacle that most people need to overcome is themselves. I used to complain non-stop about my job, how terrible it was, how much I hated it. A couple of weeks ago, I came to a conclusion that I was spending so much of myself on hating things that I had no room for anything else. Why hatred? I used to think that hating the reflection in the mirror would be motivation to change the reflection. That hatred just grows and festers and instead of just hating the reflection, you begin to hate yourself. There might be change, but it’s not at all positive. That’s NOT where you want to be. Once I made the effort to push the hatred out, it’s made such a difference in my life. I’ve realized that I have a good job that I don’t hate. I don’t love it every day, but I don’t hate it, either. Most importantly, I don’t hate me anymore. I’m just a guy trying to get himself in a better place, mentally and physically. How can I hate or fault myself for that? Instead of browbeating myself for eating something not good for me, I’m much better off accepting that I made a mistake and not doing it again. Ornette Coleman once said, “It was when I found out I could make mistakes that I knew I was on to something.” Truer words have never been spoken.
Finally, I’ve gotten a lot of really positive feedback from people who have taken the time to check out the blog. Thank you so much for your compliments. It’s very gratifying to know that what you are doing is appreciated by others. This is not something I am accustomed to. When I started my little folly, my motivations were somewhat (read: very) selfish. I wanted a way to hold myself accountable to my stated goals. Has it worked? So far it seems to be. But to read comments from people who are inspired by my scribblings is just so humbling. I don’t have the answers, but if what I am doing is helping somebody choose to snack on veggies instead of potato chips, or to get their a** kicked by a Jillian Michaels workout DVD instead of not doing anything, well, I’ll shoulder that responsibility anytime. Gladly.
Today’s weight: 306.4 (down 13.6 from last Thursday)
The Vista desktop shows a temp of 75 degrees at 7:11 AM. Uhm, yuck? Alas, only the government can control the weather, so there’s no use complaining about it.
Getting down to business, however, Sunday was a very productive day. I was able to finish taking the paint off the old bar, sanded the wood, so it’s almost ready for paint. A quick history of the bar… we bought it from the Habitat for Humanity ReStore. For those who are unfamiliar with the ReStore, they sell used and donated building materials with the profits going directly to Habitat for Humanity. It’s a worthy charity and I’ve both bought and donated in the past.
So, we found a lonely used cabinet and realized it would be a nice height for a bar… it just needed some TLC. That’s where I come in. I built a ceramic tile top for the lonely cabinet to start, now I’m fixing the cabinet itself. So far I’ve finished the unfinished side, stripped all the paint and sanded it down. I also built a divider so we can make better use of the space underneath. Since the bar is going in the Penn State room (we have themed rooms… more on that later) it will be bright white with navy blue trim.
The inimitable Mrs. T. had to cover a tennis match yesterday, so I had ample work time.
I also baked off about 10 pounds of chicken breast. Here at Chez T, we will make a whole bunch of whatever protein and then portion it out for freezing. With chicken, I slice it thin and divide it into 4 oz. portions. Afterward, back in the freezer. That way, when I’m getting ready for work, I can just grab a bag of chicken out of the freezer and it’s already a healthy portion. Makes getting dinner together a snap! Also, by just baking it with a little spray of olive oil, it’s easy to customize the flavor. I like more heat that does the wife, so I can spice it up to my heart’s content.
Anyways, after the tennis story was filed and I got a well deserved shower, we had to go in town to the newspaper office. I realized we were close to Lancaster Brewing Company (www.lancasterbrewing.com) andwe had been talking about eating there for the three years we’d been living in Lancaster County. So, I set the GPS and off we went.
Place is loaded with character, brew tanks line one wall. It’s a little dark inside… needed to use the iPrecious to light up the menu, but that’s OK. Mrs. T. had a glass of strawberry wheat, I went with their Litening Lager. I probably should’ve tried the Kolsch, cause the lager was a little disappointing. But the food more than made up for it. I had a pretzel-crusted chicken, which was served with a red bliss mashed and perfectly done asparagus, all with a cracked mustard and cheddar cheese fondue. No, probably not the best food for losing weight, but tasty. There would be pictures, but it was too dark for the iPrecious.
Afterward, came home and watched The Next Food Network Star and Iron Chef America, followed by a walk and some cleaning. All told, a productive and fun weekend. Back to the grind today.
Speaking of the grind, I work at a place which is not always conducive to healthy living. It can be very stressful, there’s a lot of sitting on your butt and staring at a computer screen. I’m lucky to work with someone who keeps me honest by encouraging me to go for walks and to eat right and to stop grazing at the vending machines. Never underestimate the power of your support system… if you don’t have people to lean on sometimes, you will fall down.
It’s a Triple H Sunday here in the Amish Paradise. For the uninitiated, that means hazy, hot and humid. It’s never a good sign when the weather widget on your Vista desktop is reporting 72 degrees, at 7:30 in the morning. *sigh* I guess the word of the day will be “swelter”.
So, went to see Toy Story 3 last night. Since we are all about the fat here at MOASTBFFG, can’t go to the movies without talking movie snacks. We were good. The inimitable Mrs. T and I shared a medium popcorn with white death and there were bottles of water all around.
We saw the movie at Penn Cinema in Lititz which is a great place to go. Instead of being some huge chain like Regal, it’s a private cineplex owned by a guy who likes movies. This can mean so much when your experience is not about the company making obscene profits, but rather about you enjoying the cinematic experience. Right now, he’s at 14 screens, but plans for an Imax are afoot. Hope it will be in place for Tron Legacy.
Anyway, getting back to the movie. Let’s just say that I love Pixar. I tend to cut them a lot of slack, even though in most cases it’s not needed. I don’t want to throw out any spoilers, but I found the last fifteen minutes of the movie alone to be worth the price of admission. Did it affect me as much as Up? No, but I was crying like a baby. All in all, a solid A-. Not a home run, but a solid run-scoring triple.
Lest you think we live a life of leisure, there was other stuff being done. We went to a friend’s garage sale where I found a very nice Walt Disney World 20th Anniversary book, followed by a trip to Stauffer’s of Kissel Hill for provisions. On the way home from SKH, we noticed a local church was having a car show/chicken barbeque, so we stopped in to pick up some BBQ for lunch. Ended up walking around the car show and whimpering. Among the highlights were a baby blue 1957 Cadillac, a bunch of 1969 Camaros, a herd of Mustangs, ranging from 1965 to present, a Lamborghini Murcielago, a Ferrari F430 and a Mercedes McLaren SLR, which is one badass looking ride. The chicken was tasty, the meals also came with a baked potato, roll, applesauce and a drink.
Post lunch, I started stripping paint from the old cabinet I’m refurbishing into a bar. Even though I was in the garage, the fumes were pretty intense. The wood is starting to look good… much more paint to be removed today. If all goes according to Hoyle, the new bar will be ready for drinking by the holiday.
At any rate, time to get to it.
Today’s weight: 311.2 (8.8 pounds down since Thursday)
Hey everyone. Just thought since I’ve embarked on my journey to lose weight, I would document what I am doing. If I can help anyone to lose before they get in as bad a shape as I am, well, that would be a good thing. So, here goes the rundown.
I’m 39, overweight, and diabetic. Sound familiar? I struggled with weight most of my life. I was never blessed with a really good metabolism, standing next to a sandwich would make me gain weight it seemed. I kept it under control in high school with being busy all the time and weighed 185 pounds when I graduated. Considering my height, I was only about ten pounds over my ideal.
After high school, I started eating more and doing less. I still managed to keep the weight somewhat in check, but I was looking a little more rotund. Between working and going to school, I was too busy to eat properly, wound up with a lot of fast food. Probably weighed about 230.
A failed relationship later, I thought a change of scenery would do me good. I relocated to Baltimore, took a new job and rarely left my apartment. My weight skyrocketed past 300 pounds. Started noticing pain in my knees and feet that I never had. After a year, I gave up on that and moved home. Weight continued to rise. I went back and finished college, but we’re talking orca-fat city.
The high (low?) point for me was when I surpassed 400 pounds. I topped out around 420, I think. I had gotten a new job and decided there was a coworker I wanted to ask out. I knew she’d never go out with me as fat as I was (411 pounds), so I started dieting hard. I managed to drop over 130 pounds just by eating right and walking every day. I actually did go out with her a few times, realized it wasn’t going anywhere, but still reached a goal.
Following a year of personal tragedy, I met the woman who would become my wife. The weight crept back on. I kept it around 300, but the comfort factor is tough to beat. Not to mention that we both love food. This kept up and two years ago, I had a scare. I went to the emergency room with chest pains. After some hemming and hawing, it was decided I would have a cardiac catheterization. This is not a pleasant experience, believe you me. But, it inspired me to give up caffeine and the snack foods, eat healthy, and the weight just came off.
As usual, it crept back on. Are we getting a pattern here? This brings us to the present. As of Thursday, June 24, I weighed in at 320.0. My goal for right now is 300, then 275, 250, and finally 225. Is it my ideal weight? No, but I can carry 225 and not look like a hippo. How am I going to lose it? First of all, I’m doing this for me. Nobody else. Secondly, I’m eating well-balanced, healthy meals with plenty of fruits and vegetables. Will I have a Chick-Fil-A sandwich from time to time? You betcha. Will I scarf three of them at a time? Not anymore.
Memoirs of a Soon-to-Be Former Fat Guy 